Wednesday, January 5

making amends, part I

I had a dream where I got a strange email from Michael, one that was not even addressed completely to me. A group rejection. It listed several (ex) boyfriends (in the dream I didn't take much time to feel betrayed; been there, done that), and told us all that he would no longer be speaking to us with the implication he was returning to the lovely ex-gay ministry.

This is not so much a dream as a prediction of the future, but stay with me here.

In the dream I was someone else and told him everything that needed to be said, words and hands flying that I can't remember now that I've woken, but when it was happening it was all true and deep and maybe I would make him see. (That's why this is called a dream and not something that could actually happen.)

I told him, as someone else, that he could just say goodbye to any chance he'd had of winding up happy and in love and blissfully naked in bed with Toby and I, which may or may not have ever been a possibility. I told him as someone else that he could just say goodbye to me as me, that if he didn't think he'd lost it all before he's surely lost it now.

I woke up with aching teeth and clenched fists and Toby looking over from his desk smiling and blowing me kisses Mean Girls style. Dreams fade real fast, I say, and then I fill in the holes myself with wouldacouldashoulda.


Blogger Michael said...


I was gone over Christmas break and didn't get a chance to keep up with the blog. I know you probably don't believe this, but I still think about you. I'm writing this on here because I don't know if you use the same email addy or not anymore. I'm out now, at school and with my family that is. I still regret hurting you and ruining our friendship.

The email address is still the same, if you remember it. The SN is as well. I would really like to hear from you just once more. Hoping to hear from you soon. For what it's worth, ILY

January 12, 2005 at 5:45 PM  

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