Wednesday, December 29

this is about self-deactivation

It'll get trite really fast, so bear with me.

Four Diet Dr Pepper's and one three-mile run later, I'm feeling a little woozy. I'm reading poetry about bad friends and good tragedies. Cursive teaches us that artists have to starve, if things aren't bad a masterpiece won't come out of it. Palahniuk's Diary teaches the same thing, I think, with a little bit of handwriting-analysis mixed in.

Reading a book that starts with someone trying to commit suicide (but only ends up in a coma) and then has his wife bitching at him for 200 pages, well, that just doesn't do much for my current state of mind. Like Beau Sia, I wonder if they'll publish books full of poems I hated when I die. What I wrote when I didn't know better (like what I'm writing now). Maybe someday I will write something like Marya's Wasted only better, but for now I'm completely useless except for...this. Sitting. Reading. Picking scabs.

I'm sorry I'm so "emo." It was nice for that short period when being depressed was a fad, so at least I didn't have to pretend. Now I cover it up with fake smiles and lots of lies. January is a bad month for me. I thought my world was over telling me that my feelings were irrelevant. Everything comes back to invalidating me, because that's the worst thing in the world.

Wait. People all over the world are dying for what they believe in, and I'm just dying to believe something. I'm starting to sound like a Jonny Lang song.

For something more cheery, Wednesday horse blogging.


Anonymous Anonymous said...




December 29, 2004 at 7:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*wants to take the horse home with her*
*hugs again*
(too lazy to cut and paste the link tonight)

December 29, 2004 at 10:13 PM  
Blogger GA - Keith said...

I did not know anything about Jonny Lang until I read this post. Wow. Imagine being able to move the emotions of people who listen in such an incredibly powerful way?

(I'm talking about you, J.D.)

December 30, 2004 at 10:25 PM  

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