Wednesday, December 15

everything i know about gay sex i learned from a palahniuk book


He's listening to the radio and starts laughing. What? I say. He explains to me that one of the DJs, meaning to say "farting and belching," instead said "barting and felching" and the DJs had been laughing about it for a good fifteen minutes. And they kept repeating the phrase without any sexual innuendo, leading him to believe they didn't know what 'felching' meant. Sure enough, someone calls in and says, "Do you guys know what that means?" Lots of bleeps and embarrassed laughter follows.

Just so you aren't ever in this situation, I bring you a passage about a lovely family Thanksgiving dinner, courtesy of Chuck Palahniuk's "Invisible Monsters."



My mom says, "Do you know what the AIDS memorial quilt is all about?"
Jump to how much I hate my brother at this moment.
"I bought this fabric because I thought it would make a nice panel for Shane," Mom says. "We just ran into some problems on what to sew on it.
Give me amnesia.
Flash.
Give me new parents.
Flash.
"Your mother didn't want to step on any toes," Dad says. "With gay stuff you have to be so careful since everything means something in secret code. I mean, we didn't want to give people the wrong idea."
My mom leans over to scoop yams onto my plate, and says, "Your father wanted a black border, but black on a field of blue would mean Shane was excited by leather sex, you know, bondage and discipline, sado and masochism." She says, "Really these panels are to help the people left behind."
"Strangers are going to see us and see Shane's name," my dad says. "We didn't want them thinking things."
"I wanted pink triangles but all the panels have pink triangles," my mom says. "IT's the Nazi symbol for homosexuals." She says, "Your father suggested black triangles, but that would mean Shane was a lesbian. It looks like the female pubic hair. The black triangle does."
My father says, "Then I wanted a green border, but it turns out that would mean Shane was a male prostitute."
My mom says, "We almost chose a red border, but that would mean fisting. Brown would mean eather scat or rimming, we couldn't figure which."
"Yellow," my father says, "means watersports."
"A lighter shade of blue," Mom says, "would mean just regular oral sex."
"Regular white," my father says, "would mean anal. White could also mean Shane was excited by men wearing underwear." He says, "I can't remember which."
We're supposed to sit and eat with Shane dead all over the table in front of us.
Dad looks down at his plate and says, "Do you know about rimming?"
I know it isn't table talk.
"And fisting?" my mom asks.
I say, I know.
"Would you pass the butter, please?" my mother says. To my father, she says, "Do you know what felching is?"
This, it's too much. Shane's dead, but he's more the center of attention than he ever was. All this sick horrible sex talk over Thanksgiving dinner, I can't take this.
..."Felching," I lower my voice. I'm calm now. "Felching is when a man fucks you up the butt without a rubber. He shoots his load, and then plants his mouth on your anus and sucks out his own warm sperm, plus whatever lubricant and feces are present. That's felching. It may or may not," I add," include kissing you to pass the sperm and fecal matter into your mouth."
Silence.
My father clears his throat. He says, "I think 'fletching' is the word your mother meant." He says, "It means to slice the turkey into very thin strips."
Silence.
I say, oh. I say, sorry.
We eat.

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