Thursday, November 11

why am i doing this to myself?


I don't have an answer, but I'm about ready to give up.

This is not getting me anywhere. I can't pretend that I am achieving anything.

I want some fucking pizza and I would seriously kill someone if I could get some and not gain weight.

I haven't left the house in days and it's killing me just to be awake, just to be sitting here with a tiny bit of soup in my stomach and twenty empty diet cherry coke cans in front of me. My heart hurts and my arm is numb. I might've had another heart attack, but if I did I don't even want to know. If I go back to the hospital they'll give me IVs and a stomach tube and Ensures and 400 calorie cookies.

I can't do it anymore but I can't get away from it either. Stuck. Weighed 81 this morning. I promised myself I wouldn't go below 83. Oops.

Today I thought of taking a bottle full of Stackers. I don't want to kill myself, I don't really want to die all that badly, but maybe an accidental death would be ok. Maybe it would be ok to get swept up in a tornado or run over by a car or get confused about how many pills packed full of stimulants you're supposed to take, yeah, it would be real nice to swallow 23 of them and go to sleep in a twitching stupor and wake up in the light.

Ok. That was pathetic and I'm done.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ah, but overdosing has to be done the absolute right way... otherwise you just feel like shit for four days while the stuff works its way out of your system. And all that time, you have to deal with all the people who ask "why?". i don't know why. i thought 150+ ibuprofen would have been enough. apparently, that's only enough to make me "crazy", not "gone".
*hugs*
hang in there sweetie...
~libby
smile on the outside

November 11, 2004 at 10:09 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Please don't hurt yourself any more than you already are. It wouldn't be fair to the rest of us.

{hugs}

November 13, 2004 at 2:15 PM  
Blogger troy said...

!! 81 pounds! yikes... how do you have sex? I need something thick. Gotta have something to hold on to. ;)

November 17, 2004 at 11:18 AM  
Blogger troy said...

doh. And by that I was not talking about your penis.

November 18, 2004 at 10:17 PM  
Blogger Sheilah said...

Holy cow. 81 pounds. That is unheard of, especially for a man. This makes me really worry about you. Please tell me I'm new to this site and don't realize it's not true...

November 24, 2004 at 12:38 PM  

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