Friday, November 19

jane's rough touch might break them

Those of you who know me know that I hate apathy more than anything. Apathy in regards to me most of all: loathe me, love me, be disgusted by me, worship me; I don't care, just respond in some way. Show that I have touched deep enough for you to react, I have hit a nerve and parts of you are numb with the intensity of it.

Nothing is real to me and so I feel free to push your buttons, challenge your views, turn your life upside down as long as you return the favor. But most are too focused on the silliness in their own lives, the irrelevancies, that they can't even consider that none of it matters--at least not in the way they think it does. It doesn't matter that your girlfriend has dumped you, really, it doesn't. In the scheme of things it's just another choice someone made, just another variable in life for you to solve. Life is a learning experience. All of life is creating yourself, learning who that person is, and it'll never happen when you are concentrating on sex and drugs.

Yes, I'm bitter that people don't meet my expectations.

Once upon a time I knew better, because I didn't believe a challenger existed. But now I know he does, how perfect we are for each other and how perfect it is to resist, argue, debate, make 180 degree turns, change our views, laugh at philosophy, create our own and then disagree, affect the lives of people around us with our hands and our minds and our hearts. And so I yearn for every interaction to feel as good as this one, for me to be a changed man with each person I run into, but everyone is cloaked in a thought barrier I can't seem to pass.

And to try to explain would be like the Hive Queen putting things in human terms; it is too difficult and my attention is busy on other worlds. My conversations don't come in English anymore, can barely be translated, because I have moved on and found my home. I am touching the gossamer web, have been for so long that I can't imagine anything else, and it isn't breaking. I have found my will and my heart and--I've found my body. On the outside I am cold but on the inside I'm warm with my found adulthood, my Third Life. Welcome to it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

have i told you lately how much i adore you?
don't ever stop writing.
i love you.
smile on the outside

November 19, 2004 at 7:47 PM  
Blogger Sheilah said...

Very well put. :)

November 24, 2004 at 12:32 PM  

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